When I started belly dancing it was a dream come true. I wanted to learn this form of dancing all my life! And here I was in a class with an experienced belly dance teacher trying to learn the first few steps. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. And I can remember everything I felt. First it was so much joy and then slowly when we started dancing it was fear.
Fear of failure.
I was so afraid - What if I couldn't do this? What If I made a fool of myself ? I knew that I had nothing to prove to anyone but what If I couldn't do something I dreamt of all of my life. This looked so hard, why am I challenging myself with something so tough... All the love for belly dancing looked as if it was evaporating in those moments. I tried hard to learn each step and kept practicing till I got it right. And still I felt so afraid that I won't be able to cope with the next higher step or the next movement. Many times the fear made me forget the steps. I started becoming nervous and yet there was this part of my so happy to be there - belly dancing!
It took months for me to understand my love for belly dancing and face my fear of learning --- its truly been a wonderful journey so far. The real moment of truth for me came the day I realised that I didn't do this to compete with anyone. I was learning because I had this strong love for learning this dance form and If I was going to let all my fears scare me away then I was such an idiot. I didn't deserve to learn. That one moment changed all that turbulence I felt inside me.
Today , I feel free when I dance. I feel joy and I find freedom in the dance steps . I am not the greatest dancer yet ;-), but I know I am good. I feel happy with my progress and my teacher encourages me.
I dance at my own pace! :)
I feel learning anything new is always like this. The more we grow, the more fears we have. Isn't that why children learn so fast while the adults struggle? We have to learn to face our fears of failure to move ahead if we really wish to learn something.
Fear is real and facing it is even more difficult. That is why we fear but do not face it. Once you face, that fear is gone and on comes the next one :)...Learning is not about fear, it is primarily about "let go".
ReplyDeleteInteresting piece Bee...keep writing more often!